It's a hard situation, but I think I have found my peace with it, for the moment.
My sister's baby is imminent. I drove about 80km to see her yesterday, and spend some time with her. We had a lovely time, and bonded. Perhaps the closest we have ever been. My big sister protective instinct has kicked in, and I spoiled her a bit yesterday. Bought the baby a teddy bear, a purple Care Bear. I would've loved a Care Bear as a little girl, but they were too spenny.
As I've mentioned, my sister and I are chalk and cheese, and we have clashed many, many times. I have tried very hard to be supportive to her during this pregnancy, while still honouring my own emotions.
It has involved listening, and saying things like "how do you feel?", "how are you coping?" and "what do you need?", rather than telling her what to do and feel. I know she is feeling anxious, as most first time mothers do, plus they are in a financially very tight situation already.
I got the same treatment back, yesterday. She asked me how I was feeling about the miscarriage thing, listened as I told her about some recent career wins. She didn't try and say "oh don't worry you'll be pregnant again soon". We punned and swore and giggled.
When I got back, I received a text. Care Bear was placed in the cot, awaiting her little friend:
This made me very emotional.
This has been hard, but I have learned the true meaning of grace, and I am proud of this.
I am very much looking forward to being an Auntie.
Last week was a bit of a stressful week at work. Last Friday arvo, I was asked to do something that made me upset, and I cracked it a bit. I immediately set some boundaries, by group email. Nowadays I try not to make calls while acutely upset but sod it, I'd had enough.
The people it affected were gracious and contrite, and things have changed. This is good.
The first half of the year was so frenetic that I had promised myself that, once the PhD was finished, I would try not to work full time, to have some sessions free.
However, the frenetic pace went on, without me even realising it. One of my employers kept on asking me again and again to act at their bidding. The nocturnal tooth grinding continued. I was starting to dread the weekends, as I had to do work that I missed out on during the week. It took this blog post to get me thinking about my work-life balance, and finally I put it into action last Friday.
It bought up a couple of things:
I didn't know what to do with my spare time.
There is so much emphasis on being productive and not wasting a moment that we forget that we don't actually have to schedule every minute. We wear busy like a badge of honour, but for what?
I have been thinking about some restorative things I could do. Not exercise; I do enough of that. Reading a book? Drawing a picture? Playing with the dog? God forbid, watching some telly - Series 3 of House of Cards is begging to be binge-watched.
There are things like the dentist, the tax agent, going to the bank.
Calling a friend. I had become more and more intolerant of talking on the phone, preferring to text. I have friends that need chatting with at the moment, so I have done this.
But people might get angry if I say no.
It might have consequences, and I had to be ready to accept them.
Perhaps I was more angry with myself. That I "should" be up to working full time, plus the weekends. My kind of workplace appears to reward that type of work.
I find saying no stressful, such that I will say yes and do what I am asked as the stress of saying no is greater than the time expended doing the task. I am afraid of being passed over the next time an opportunity comes up, or worse, of appearing like (gasp) a cow.
I am finding that a. people are gonna bitch no matter what I do and b. worthy opportunities will still be available even if you occasionally be assertive.
I have read about the art of saying no for women. It said something about women always having to explain themselves and apologise, where men just say their piece and that is it. Hence I have been recently in the practice of saying no, and taking care not to apologise for standing your ground. I am practicing that too.
I am flexing my "no" muscle. It is scary but it feels good.
I've been thinking about this on and off for a while.
from awkwardfamilyphotos.com
I have always envied people who got along well with their families. As well as loving their family members, they genuinely like them, and would hang out with them for preference. Sometimes I have aspired to be like that with my family, but it has fallen flat in the past and I end up feeling that painful mix of resentment and guilt.
On the other side of the coin, I think it is a terrible shame when there are such deep rifts within families that they no longer speak to or see each other.
My family is somewhere in between. The honest truth is confronting, but it is as such:
We have so little in common, apart from shared origins. We are vastly different in personality. Were there no shared origins, no interaction would ever get past the first contact.
There have been many times in recent years where I have bemoaned the lack of understanding within the family. I am sure my other family members have bemoaned the same thing about me. It all arises from the fact that we are essentially different despite the fact we are family.
Unfortunately, though, you don't get a choice about your family. In my humble opinion, at the end of the day, there is only one thing you have to do, and that is be there when they really need you. Of course you love them, but what is love without action?
Beyond this, I keep interactions pleasant and reasonably frequent, but brief and superficial. I listen, smile, nod and make the appropriate sounds, without offering much in the way of advice. I offer practical help.
I've stopped trying to rationalise or understand how they do things. I don't like being told what to do, and apply that rationale to them. I offer gentle but firm explanations of my boundaries when that comes up.
It might sound a bit cold, but it makes for peace and calm, and ultimately a more functional relationship.
Very quiet on the blog, but if you follow me on Instagram you will see that I enjoyed myself in Barcelona.
I got home early this morning, and had a cuddle with my partner. He joined me for a few days after his conference in Copenhagen, but he headed home a couple of days before me. The dog was also very pleased to see me, and is cuddling up to me on the couch as I type.
I really did have a good time, a healing time. At the start, on my own in a big city and jetlagged, I had a bit of an existential "what is this all worth" type thing. I still felt very raw from what had gone on barely a few days before. A few tears dribbled down my cheeks as I walked the Rambla de Catalunya for the first time (well since I visited in early 2010). I had sunglasses on.
I then had a "na, fuck that" moment. While acknowledging the grief I felt, I made a decision to make the best of the situation, to cherish that time alone in a magnificent city. I had worked hard for it.
The here and now is all we really have.
I walked and walked, and walked some more. Everywhere, for hours. My fitbit tells me I averaged 18,000 steps per day. I felt and enjoyed the warm breeze and the sun on my shoulders. I ate my body weight in Tapas and Jamon, and sampled all the Sangria.
The first, and the best.
I delivered my paper at the conference, and it was well received. The conference itself was a bit meh. Australians do conferences well, I think.
Here are some of the things I did. Those of you thinking of visiting Barcelona may use this as advisory.
Shopping:
Spain is known for it's retailers Zara and Mango. However the clothes are often poorly constructed, poorly cut and the prices are fairly global. Shoes are a better bet; I bought two pairs. Positively restrained. I bought a pair of Camper sandals. Camper shoes can err on the side of a bit ugly but are generally superior in comfort. I also bought a pair of earrings made by an independent jeweller
Gold plated with smokey quartz. Excuse my lady-beard...
Europe and Asia are slightly more competitive for cosmetics prices - I shouted myself a Lancome mascara and their magic cushion, both beautiful.
Wandering
The Barri Gotic, the old town or Gothic Quarter, is a dense scattering of streets just south of Plaza Catalunya. There are a few main streets as anchors, but it is easy to get lost in those charming little streets, and I did. I went to the Picasso museum, and, seeing the queues, booked ahead online. The other
Ooooh look, a Gothic Cathedral.
The Barri Gotic as it is now was build atop an old Roman Empire City, parts of which could be seen in the Barcelona History Museum; the excavation sits below the building, and you take the elevator down and wander about on a boardwalk thingy, which is rather cool.
The wine vats.
There were lots of little dogs to pat. I met this fella, a friend to one of the shopkeepers in a small square near the History Museum
I didn't catch his name. Possibly Ernesto? Ernie for short.
So long as there was a baseline level of concentration (the cars being
on the other side and all), all of the streets were ripe for a wander.
The people watching, as my friend Faux Fuchsia would say, is 11/10.
Jamon
I ate a fair bit of this, hence I went to learn a little about it, to "Jamon Experience". There was a slightly twee exhibition of how the best Jamon, the Jamon Bellota, is made (free range pigs of a certain breed who are allowed to roam freely and feast on acorns, aged for 36 months). After the twee exhibition, a tasting was offered.
Remember: Jamon Bellota.
A bit of Gaudi
Antoni Gaudi was the famous 19th century Architect, who drew inspiration from nature and religion, and eschewed straight lines. People associate him with the Sagrada Familia, which is still being constructed. I found it a bit ugly from the outside, so, having been in there before, I didn't go in this time.
I saw Casa Mila (Pedrera), from the outside.
We went into Park Guell
And the highlight was going in Casa Batllo:
If you go to Barcelona, you should definitely go in, best Audioguide ever and well worth the 22 Euro cost.
The other really cool thing I did when my partner was there was catch the Funicular from the Waterfront out to Montjuic. The Bar at the top of Montjuic makes the best Patatas Bravas in Barcelona.
Here are some other random pics:
Whiling away the evening with a Sangria, Placa Reial.
the wine in the supermarket was super cheap.
The hospital at which the conference was held. I know! It's a hospital!
Have any of you been to Barcelona? What was your favourite thing?
I turned thirty six on Sunday. Thank you all for your kind wishes. It means a lot.
The event gave me pause to reflect on what I have learned in 36 years on this planet.
Though my oldest friend came to dinner and gave me a card which said "People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do", I suspect I have more learning curves to face.
Here is a hotch-potch of them. They might seem a bit trite, but they are real to me.
(and when I say you, I mean me)
Seconds never taste as good as firsts.
If you love it, buy it. If you are not sure, wait a while. If you are still thinking about it, buy it.
Buying clothes in a size down is not an effective weight loss regimen.
Trust your gut. If your gut tells you to run, then fucking run.
Embrace every opportunity and take nothing for granted.
Sometimes, if it is too darn hard, it is just not meant to be.
It doesn't matter whether you care about what people think of you. People generally aren't thinking of you.
Guilt is a wasteful emotion.
Worrying never helps. Expecting the worst of every situation does not cushion the blow of the worst happening. You cannot always prevent disappointment, nor should you try.
This too shall pass. The good, and the bad.
98% of people are decent. 2% are arseholes.
You are not indispensable. Except to those who love you.
There are pros and cons to everything in life. A good thing might also be a hard thing.
When angry or upset, better to bite your tongue and walk away than say something you might regret later.
If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything. Smile and nod. (Except when somebody you hate is on the telly, then go nuts swearing at the telly).
Exercise for vigour, for endorphins, for a challenge, but not to cancel out calories; that will take the enjoyment out of it.
Never submit to the urge to pike on exercise; 9 times out of 10 you can't be arsed, 10 times out of 10 you will feel better for it.
If you are going to spend money, spend it on experiences rather than things.
Pay attention to the way people make you feel. Use this as a guide to how much time you spend with them.
Be interested in others and ask as many questions as you can get away with.
People don't generally change.
The true measure of being comfortable with a person is whether you can fart unashamedly in front of them.
Learn to accept a compliment as graciously as you might give one.
Rejoice in what your body can do. The way it looks will change.
Make the best of what you have.
Tell your loved ones that you love them, often.
Fine feathers make the bird.
When the shit hits the fan, it is probably not your fault.
Friendships and relationships are two way streets, there needs to be mutual effort. If there is not, things need to be reconsidered.
Be real true to yourself, it is exhausting to be any other way, and you will be found out eventually.
If you want to sleep, sleep.
If you want to cry, cry.
If you are hungry, eat.
Quickly find the appropriate place to attend to the above three when the urge arises.
Fall down seven times, get up eight. Don't give up if you cock up.
Australian politics has deteriorated in the last 5 or so years. I never thought I would see a time where I thought "Hey, that John Howard wasn't bad at all, he actually did some good things". But I do think that now. It really is a race to the bottom.
Even Amanda Vanstone, who is a regular columnist for the "red rag" (The Age) admits that the current government got in not because people liked them, but because they liked the other party less. As a commentator said, just before the 2013 election, "Tony Abbott could drop his trousers and do a turd in the middle of parliament, and he would still become PM".
That is not the place we want to be.
In opposition, the Liberals openly derided the leadership argy-bargy and backstabbing. Alas, we now see similar leadership argy-bargy. The backstabbing is not overt, but obvious in the painted on smiles and evasive answers that MPs (ahem Malcolm and Julie) give to journalists.
After a budget which disproportionally affected the poor, negged by a hostile senate, and then a bloodbath in two state elections (I think the Prince Philip Knighting was neither here nor there), the government is worried. Rule number one of politics, it would seem, is to get back into power.
The vision of the current government was and is "Stop the boats", "Stop the bad taxes", "Cut the Debt". I don't really know what the vision is of the Labor party; perhaps they are too busy laughing, perhaps the media is too focused on the leadership argy bargy to tell us about Labor's plans, or perhaps they are taking a little time to work it out. The skeptics among us would say that they might have no plan.
I work quite closely with another doc who is a card-carrying member of the Liberal party. On many issues, I am quite left (but moving towards the centre on other issues). We have quite good chats where we solve the problems of the country. Hence I have thought about my vision for Australia.
I think that the biggest challenges facing Australia today are:
Tackling climate change
Moving the economy from being dependent on digging things out of the ground to something else (and we need to work out what that something else will be)
The ageing population, in particular keeping health and welfare sustainable.
Decreasing economic inequality, improving social upward mobility (mainly by access to good health care and education)
The just treatment of those in our region who seek asylum.
Staying wealthy in all of this.
Being a politician would be a horribly hard job. I do not have all the answers, but here are some I propose.
Increase the GST, except for on fresh food. All other countries have a higher GST than we do. It is time. We need the money. People would argue that we need to tax big business, and in principle I agree, however it may drive jobs off shore.
Phase out the rebate for private health insurance, and put that money back into the public health system. Most of the bang for the buck in health expenditure comes from primary and preventative care. I could go on about this for a while, but I will not.
Encouraging innovation in industry. Rewarding small businesses who employ the young or long-term unemployed.
Keeping HECS at affordable levels - education is the best way out of poverty.
A gradual divestment from fossil fuels into renewables - perhaps this is where Australia can lead. Germany are putting more energy into the grid from Solar power than we are, so Australia needs to buck it up a bit.
The issue of refugees who arrive by boat is a difficult one. I have read somewhere that people who arrive by boat are more likely to be genuine refugees than those who arrive by plane. The rapid processing of applications while people are in the community seems to be the most humane answer, however the logistics of this are far more difficult.
That is not a very comprehensive list.
I will turn it over to you.
What do you think are the basic issues facing Australia (or your country)? How do we solve the issues? What would you do if you were PM?
This year I have really learned to appreciate different cultures. This occurred to me as we drove home from dinner with my brother's girlfriend's Greek family. The meeting of the families is the prelude to him "putting a ring on it".
I've always had a curiosity about where other people come from - both their family origins and their opinions. This has increased this year. Perhaps the PhD study has really taught me to not assume anything and ask "why" and "how" without judgement. Perhaps its that thing about getting older; it is not that you know more, but that you appreciate what you don't know.
So with a belly full of Greek food lovingly cooked up by the Greek mother in law, and a head full of red wine, I started thinking. I have travelled extensively, but the memories I cherish are those where I have had a meaningful personal exchange with somebody of a different culture.
Sri Lanka - Meeting a Muslim family, being presented with beautifully wrapped gifts of tea. Seeing a traditional Dance.
Turkey - great family-style hospitality in the hotel, with the staff teaching me Turkish words. Getting scrubbed by a big strong Turkish lady in an Hammam. Hearing the strains of the call to Prayer from the Blue Mosque in Istanbul.
Singapore - meeting up with my "Singapore family" - the mother and sister of a dear friend of mine. We are the "Ang Mo" family. Ang mo literally translates to "redhead" and is the colloquial term for whitey! I now send text messages to my expat Singaporean friend in "Singlish".
I treasure having friends and adopted family who hail from overseas. It was such an honour to be invited to a friend's Sikh wedding, in a Gurdwara. The reception was held in the Grand Hyatt, but there was Indian music playing on the dance floor. The Bride's mum sang her daughter a traditional Punjabi song, which moved everybody to tears.
We had a dinner with my fella's PhD student's family, from Thailand. They were so proud of their daughter for getting a PhD, so proud of their cuisine, and so grateful to my fella for supervising. They bought wine and cake for the occasion, and took hundreds of "family photos" with us. They insisted we visit them in Bangkok.
Last night, our family finally formally "met" with K's family. This, as I mentioned, is a traditional prelude to betrothal. It was warm and exuberant and we had a wonderful time. My knowledge of 5 words of Greek made them improbably impressed.
So this might all sound a bit twee.
It just makes me really sad when I see, increasingly, xenophobic views being legitimised. The filth that spews from people's mouths (or facebook accounts) in the wake of what we saw in Sydney. It makes me think that people like that really have no experience with people of other culture. I have had a lot of experience with people for my years, both in a private and professional capacity. I can say that the vast majority of my exchanges have been positive. Not all of them have been pleasant, but these less pleasant episodes are instructive.
Off to enzed tomorrow, to see the Fella's family and then do some outdoorsy stuff.
I braved the sales yesterday - I was quite restrained. Got me a new pair of running kicks at 30% off. Also scored a necklace I had my eye on for less than half the original price.
I hope you have all had a great festive period. Hope your NYE is fun.
Have you bought anything in the Sales? What are you up to on NYE?
I think this is a good theme for my post as it sums up what I have been thinking the last day or so....
As somebody who has had to tame the black dog, I have had to learn to catch myself out of negative thoughts about myself.
I was always taught to be humble, a little self deprecating; I think a lot of us have been taught not to toot our horn too loud. Yet I took that to heart. Thoughts that would start innocently enough, but would be so frequent and magnified, then they would be internalised and taken as God's truth without a single challenge.
I have learned a lot about mindfulness, and catching and letting go of unhelpful thoughts.
Better yet, though, would I dare think something nice about myself?
Could I catch and keep hold of a good thought about myself?
So I gave myself a challenge today. Think of five good things about myself. It was not a comfortable thing to think about, but here they are.
1. I make people laugh.
I am the queen of irreverent and inappropriate humour. Get a couple of wines in me, and I am even better.
2. I give a shit.
I am a caring person. If I see somebody floundering, I will ask them about it and try my best to help. If I see your child about to swallow something they shouldn't, I will let you know (it takes a community to raise a child). I will give a person a hug if they look like they need one.
3. I am not afraid (anymore) to be myself.
We can only really be ourselves; to be anything else is very difficult and tiring. I used to show bits of myself then worry incessantly that people didn't like me. Then I would apologise and vet my behaviour.
With maturity, I have learned that there are times when I need to shut my gob, let it go to the keeper, but as a general rule I can be myself and people will like me for it (and people won't - their loss).
4. I am good at drawing.
And painting. I showed a bit of aptitude at high school but gave it away for more scholarly pursuits. It is a talent I would like to embrace a little more, train a little more.
5. I know a little bit about lots of things.
I think it's important to take an interest in things. If something piques my interest, I will look it up on wikipedia. Apart from 1970s bands and footy stats, I would be quite good on your pub quiz team.
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The other thing I need to take stock of, I feel, is my spending. To be clear, I don't spend more than I earn, but money can burn a hole in my pocket and I tend to spend it on clothes and shoes. Fine feathers make the bird, as I said last post. However, more stuff does not a happy person make, and I would like to be a little more mindful about what discretionary purchases I make. It is far too easy to go shopping. In fact, I just did, which is what prompted this post (plus the fact they had 25% off shoes I had my eyes on....)
So as a first step, I got a (free) app to monitor incomings and outgoings....particularly these discretionary purchases. It might just get me thinking a little more before I buy.
Sooo, what about you? Here is your opportunity to toot your horn - tell me some awesome things about yourself. Let's cheer each other on. Any budgeting tips to share with me?
It's a bit of a miscellany today.
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Poor Robin Williams. So sad to hear of his suicide. There are a few people saying "he was so successful and had so much, why could he not be happy". One even slammed him as a coward for committing suicide.
Depression is poorly understood and mistaken for unhappiness or even weakness. It is not even that. Even when we have sad times in our life, there are moments of joy.
When it comes right down to it, joyful happy feelings are bought about by neurotransmitters like serotonin, noradrenaline and dopamine. Happy chemicals.
The nervous systems of people who are depressed are deplete in these chemicals, and raising the amount of these in the space between one nerve cell and another (a synapse) leads to improvement in symptoms. It was not a secret that Robin Williams snorted his share of cocaine and drank his share of Bourbon while he was alive. This probably depleted his happy hormones and lead to quite a treatment-resistant depression - just to break it down, mechanistically.
In preparation for trying for a baby, I saw a mother-baby psychiatrist. She asked me what my depression was like.
For me, I felt like a record player switched from 66 rpm to 42 rpm. Everything shifted, slowed down. My usually nimble mind could not even string a sentence together, or plan what I was going to do next. I started something and forgot what I was about to do. I usually laugh easily, but I forgot how, and things that would usually tickle my fancy could not raise even a chortle. I usually lead a busy life with reasonable energy, but I felt extremely fatigued and would wake early from sleep.
This is not even going into the psychological symptoms of guilt and hopelessness. I've had sad times in my life, but they were quite different to my depressed times.
Suicide is to depression what dying of heart failure is to a heart attack. The former is the final stage of the severe latter.
Depression is a debilitating and potentially lethal illness. An illness. Even I find that hard to believe, as it is so easy to blame oneself, but there it is.
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On a much much happier note, my fella is back. The dog and I are very happy to have him back. We are off to Singapore in three weeks, for a wedding. I am so very much looking forward to it. I will get to wear the dress I won!
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I am still doing the fasting, but I have shifted it to one day per week as I am trying to fit in extra training for a 10km fun run I am doing in October. I would really like to improve on my time. My best time for 10km is 1 hour 6 minutes and 55 seconds, and that was 3 and a bit years ago. I wonder if determination and consistency will make up for dwindling youth...
I am starting to get used to the fasting. It has taught me a lot about how to manage hunger, that hunger is not a disaster and often comes in waves rather than increasing. It makes my mind sharp, especially when I am at work and distracted away from hunger. I don't have the mid-arvo slump.
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Did anyone watch the documentary on Manny Waks on the ABC last night? It was about the cover up of sexual abuse in a Melbourne Orthodox Jewish School community, similar to in Catholic Church communities. So incomprehensible to think that obeying a religious doctrine would stop you from bringing your child's abuser to justice. Hundreds of years ago Orthodox Jews who turned any of their community in to Gentile authorities for commiting a crime were ostracised from the community, or worse. Manny and his family were ostracised from their community for going public with the crime, and the cover up of those in charge. Manny's ultra-Orthodox parents were so badly ostracised from their close knit and insular community that they returned to Israel, though they are very proud of their son. Manny has set up the agency Tzedek (Justice in Hebrew) to provide culturally sensitive support and advocacy to members of the Jewish community who have been subject to this abuse. May God bless him.
Some values transcend religion. Some things are not on, no matter what the religion.
Anyway, that is my brain-dump for the afternoon.
What about you? What was your favourite Robin Williams Movie? Mine is Mrs. Doubtfire. Mum took us to see it on a family holiday in Torquay when I was young, and I have fond memories of this. Any news re: fitness goals? Any documentary that has got you thinking recently?
I am having a quiet one tonight, have a very early start tomorrow, examining. Have to have the game face on.
Last night we went to Becco, an Italian restaurant in the city. I think I have been a bit spoiled by Masterchef and previous culinary experiences. A menu on the item said "Becco Fish and Chips". At $39 per main serve, I thought it would be some ingenious re-imagining or deconstruction of fish and chips. I was wrong. It was just battered fish and shoestring fries with a bit of home-made tartare and a wedge of lemon. Not even a bit of salad. The cheeky devils! $39!!
I saw the fella off to a conference overseas early this morning. He will be missed, but the calendar is packed until he comes back.
My little furry friend has happily taken his spot on the couch.
I went out to the city and bought some work clothing today. I had been hanging out to try a Jimmy Grant Souvlaki, so I went to the outlet at the Emporium.
I tried the signature souva, the Bonegilla (chicken and lamb). The were all made freshly, in proper greek Pitas.
And this was it:
It was a bit small, as you can see. But it was delicious - full of tender lamb and chicken (not the chewy stuff off a spit). And chips! And mustard aioli! It could've done with some fresh vegies (tomato or onion or a bit of lettuce) but it was yummy.
I was going to go out and see an arthouse flick, but I was worried my little mate here was getting lonely. Hence I am here with my butt glued to the couch, after attending to the chores.
On a bit more of a serious note, I saw the Women in Black this morning
They are a group of Jewish Feminists who speak out against the Israeli occupation of Palestine, and abhor the violence committed. I had a chat with them; many of the Jews in Melbourne are descendants of Holocaust Survivors, and are Zionists. They strongly support a Jewish state. These women aren't part of the mainstream Jewry here in Melbourne.
They spoke passionately against the violence and "land grabs", the abuses of human rights occuring in Palestine. People in Palestine are stateless, and have to cross Israeli Check points to get anywhere - to a wedding, to a family member, to a hospital. They form long queues in the heat. That is when they are not being shelled.
I told them I wanted to go to Israel. They told me I should, when the fighting stops.
Very little warms my heart more than friendships and support which transcend religion and creed. Why can't we all love each other? I stated this, bade my goodbye. I told them that I was agnostic, but God bless them anyway. They said something similar to me, in Hebrew.
This exchange was far more nourishing to my soul than any souvlaki or purchase (though the souvlaki and purchases were very nice).
Patting my dog is very nourishing to my soul also. Hopefully the time my fella is away goes quickly.
What is nourishing your soul at the moment? Nourishing your belly?
Hello, and happy Good Friday! I hope you are enjoying it, wherever you are. x SSG put me up to this.
1. What time did you get up this morning?
This morning, about 8:15, for Bootcamp. Got rained on. 2. How do you like your steak?
Medium. With fancy herby butter, a hollandaise or bearnaise sauce, or some hot English Mustard (it cures what ails ya) 3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? I saw Dallas Buyer's club on the 'plane to Malaysia. Great acting. 4. What is your favorite TV show? House of Cards. All the way. So brilliantly acted. You already know my opinion on Kevin Spacey. So You Think You Can Dance The Blacklist with James Spader. 5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Somewhere near my loved ones. I am happy here in Melbourne. I love travelling but feel connected to Melbs. 6. What did you have for breakfast?
Peanut butter and honey on Sourdough Multigrain toast. That cures what ails ya too! 7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Depends what I am in the mood for - French, Italian, South Indian, Vietnamese, Malaysian....But often I just love a bit o' simple home cookin' 8. What foods do you dislike? I can't think of any at the moment..... 9. Favorite Place to eat? So, so many! For Breakfast - Julio, Fitzroy North. Great Bacon. Near Work - Lip, Ivanhoe. 10. Favorite dressing? Good old olive oil and red wine vinegar, with salt and pepper.
11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? Hyundai i30. Red.
12. What are your favorite clothes? My witchery jeans, dressed up with heels, a nice top and a blazer. 13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Turkey, Israel and Jordan. 14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Full- always.
15. Where would you want to retire? Near my loved ones.
16. Favorite time of day? The morning of a weekend - around 7 or 8 am. 17. Where were you born?
Melbourne. I know. Melbourne Born and Bred. 18. What is your favorite sport to watch? The tennis, in the summer. 19. Bird watcher? In Sri Lanka, I loved watching birds. But not generally. 20. Are you a morning person or a night person? Morning. 21. Do you have any pets? Bella Pumpkin. Such a lovely little girl, but doing sleep-farts at the moment. Yuck.
22. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? Off to Europe in June. I am in "pre-trying-for-baby" preparation - have had blood tests, pap smear booked etc. Need to buy those vitamins. 23. What did you want to be when you were little? Architect, Doctor, Hairdresser. 24. Are you a cat or dog person? Dog. 25. What was your last drink? Coke Zero. I needed the buzz! 26. Always wear your seat belt? Yes, I feel funny without one. 27. Been in a car accident? Only little prangs. 28. Any pet peeves? Cold people. People for whom everything is everyone else's fault. Grumpy or hateful people. Inconsiderate people. 29. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
Sausage and Broccolini, at 400 Gradi in Brunswick. It's the shizz. Also at Bar Fred, they had a pizza with chorizo, pineapple, red onion, capsicum and chilli. That was also the shizz but they've taken it off the menu.30. Favorite Flower? Roses. 31. Favorite ice cream? Movenpick Vanilla Bean Icecream.
32. Favorite fast food restaurant? Fish and Chips. Or Fush and Chups as my Kiwi Fella says. 33. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Just once! 34. From whom did you get your last email?
My fella. To catch up for a meal on easter Monday with friends. 35. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
I have not done that, but it would have to be a travel related spree - a luxurious guided tour in France or some such. 36. Do anything spontaneous lately?
I am quite a spontaneous person. Some might say impulsive. But yes! This trip to the UK/France in June is a spontaneous thing. 37. Like your job?
My word. It's stressful and frustrating at times, but I couldn't imagine myself doing anything else. 38. Broccoli? Broccolini. 39. What was your favorite vacation? Cuba. Sri Lanka. Had a ball.
40. Last person you went out to dinner with?
Last night, my girlfriend M. We then went and saw a show. 41. What are you listening to right now?
The whirr of my washing machine, the heater going. I like silence and white noise. 42. What is your favorite color?
Dusky pink, Deep red. 43. How many tattoos do you have? None. 44. How many are you tagging for this quiz? Hmmm... Ruth at Clothing fixations. I can't say Naomi (CSW) or Shauna, as they can't at the moment. Heidi Apples 45. What time is it?
3pm, good Friday. 46. Coffee ?? Always. Plunger in the morning, Moccona to build up a head of steam at work. My favourite phrase of the week is "you can't put off what you have already done". With this in mind, I am going to finish off the tax/salary packaging stuff I was doing, plus some chores. Have a great one x
I think this bug that I got has knocked me around a bit. I still feel a bit sick occasionally, especially if I get hungry. And I've been really pooped.
Most of my attention has been towards work and my PhD. Specifically, I want, HAVE to finish the PhD (or lapse candidature). My energy has been directed towards developing a plan to complete, overcoming certain obstacles (too mundane to discuss here). Also, towards expanding my work practice, perhaps into some private practice, though not too much during the PhD (otherwise I shall never finish). Towards making other life plans - saving money, having babies, et cetera.
Nothing like an end point to sharpen your focus, no?
I am also very rapidly approaching my 35th Birthday - on Saturday. That might sound spring chickeny to some readers, but it is officially Mid-30s. I can't help but get a bit philosophical.
When I was 25, where did I think I would be when I was 35? I don't think I thought about it that much. I was newly married, in the physician training program, and life felt a bit like is was mapped out, like I was on a raft on a river.
But life goes interesting when you go against the flow, doesn't it? Difficult, sad, challenging, and at times, harrowing, but ultimately rewarding. I am very happy with the way things have turned out.
Yet it is the perceived holes in our life that keep us from stagnating, keep us moving along. I think you know what that hole, that yearning, might be.
I am having a think about what I would have told my 25 year old self. My 30 year old self. That might be a separate blog post.
Anyway, that is enough for one night. I think it will be House of Cards, then sleepybyes.
I have just finished the book "Never Let Me Go" by Kazuo Ishiguro. I am looking for another to download. Something fairly light, a bit funny.
What would you say to your younger self? What book do you recommend? What telly series are you enjoying?
Sorry, you have probably this meme before.
I like it.
I am trying to win the battle in my head with poor self/body image. It's an ongoing one.
I try to walk past the mirror or and not criticise the reflection. I try not to cringe at a photo of myself. That automatic negativity, I call out and challenge.
Trying to reconcile self acceptance (not even love) with feeding myself good food and exercising (and seeing these as nourishment rather than punishment). I am getting there with that one. Certainly, when I exercise, I walk taller and feel powerful.
I try to make the best of what I have. I even put a bit of effort into my 'do today because I'm worth it.
That is just the battle in my head.
Not even the insidious and constant reinforcement from advertising that strokes the "you are not [insert adjective here] enough" gland.
But what about the people that you actually speak with?
Two examples recently
1. In a shop, I tried on a dress. It was not flattering so I didn't buy. I looked at another, said "nice dress". The (very thin) saleslady said "oh that dress is lovely on women with a fuller figure".
Befuddled, I walked out of the shop. I didn't really know what to make of that. But I don't think I will go in there again.
2. A few friends, thinner than I, complaining about their weight to me, and relaying weight loss wins.
I don't think either of them meant any harm.
And I won't call them out on it.
But I would like to propose a couple of blanket rules -
1. Sales staff should not make any judgements about a person's figure. A simple "that looks nice" is fine. Even if it is a lie. It's about moving stock off the floor, right?
Even "that looks nice, very slimming" gets up my nose a bit, to tell the truth.
2. Be careful who you share your own body image/weight issues with.
Weight is a fraught issue and body image so very easily shot to shit.
People should just drink a big cup of shut the fuck up, I say.
I work with people with significant obesity (we are not just talking 5 or 10kg) and I try to a. focus on the physical and mental health issues and b. (if it's a female) pay them a compliment or take an interest. On some level, I identify.
"My body is a temple. The Mayan Ruins. That's a temple." - My fella. Yesterday.
One thing I have learned to appreciate recently is that consistency is Key.
Not willpower. Not motivation. Routine and Consistency.
Good things rarely come to fruition by a massive and one-off action, but by multiple small, routine actions, a few steps forward, sometimes a few steps back. Mistakes. Some fine tuning in the approach. A longstanding fan of rapid gratification, in the past few years, I have learned the valuable lesson of patience.
Recently I have made a few changes to my lifestyle, prompted by some increasing muffin-top in my jeans. Sulking and bemoaning only acted to make me feel worse about myself.
I ramped up my exercise, taking up a weights session in addition to the running training. I have been keeping my more decadent food choices to the weekends, where I try not to go too berserk.
I have made these changes many times in the past, and they have worked. My difference now is in the approach; I realise that this sort of stuff is what most (apart from the genetically blessed) have to consistently do to remain healthy. We have become very enchanted by the quick fix. Our concept of the intensity and length of effort required to be our best physical selves has become skewed. Many people (myself included sometimes) believe that everyone else has it easier than what they themselves do, and they have to work a whole lot harder and it's just not worth trying.
I've also drunk a big fat mug of "no good comes from comparing yourself to others" and a big glass of "focus on what you've achieved" and a beaker of "learn from your mistakes, don't berate yourself too much for them". Plus coffee. And wine (but mostly only on the weekends).
I am starting to see and appreciate some results! Muscles are popping out! It has helped my mood no end.
Anywho, getting to the point, the Melbourne Marathon was on yesterday. This is the biggest event on the Melbourne Fun Run calendar. They had a Marathon (42.2km), Half-Marathon (21.1km), 10km, 5.7km and a 3km walk. I entered the 10km event, as my goal for this year was to run a stronger 10km.
After a glorious day on Saturday, the forecast for Sunday was diabolical, with wind, hail and rain on the radar. When I pitched up at the 'G very early on Sunday, it was partly cloudy, cool and still. Perfect running conditions, really.
By some stroke of luck, I found a loo with no queue. Lolled around, did some stretching. Lolled around a bit more. Then I noticed that no other 10k'ers were around and I thought "bugger, I've missed the start".
So I got my warmup by sprinting across the bridge in a panic. Luckily the slow wave had not set off yet...phew.
I have given up wearing GPS watches or iPods. I prefer to soak up the atmosphere of a race, and I don't like to worry about what exact clock pace I am running, I like to go by feel and old school watch. Unfortunately when everyone else is wearing earphones the sense of camaraderie is diminished (and the risk of a 5 person pileup increased). I love seeing runners from the Achilles running club, they are usually blind people running accompanied by a couple of volunteers- I always give them a cheer.
I turned out the first 5km at a dead-even pace. After the first five km, I decided to try and step up the slightly, the so-called negative split. A negative split is a sign of a good run.
At about 5.5km, there was a small cheer squad - perhaps the Lululemon girls? They were waving signs like "Too Legit to Quit" and "Your badASSness is showing". This got me smiling and right in the zone to pick it up.
I just kept on, slightly uncomfortable, with head down, working away. A bit of pain up the Barak Bridge, relaxing with the downhill. The last 1.5km or so was a drag. Flat, boring and with a bastard hairpin.
It was a relief to run into the 'G. I picked it up, and overtook a few folks. I crossed the finish line with arms aloft. I was proud of that run.
It was not my best ever time, but it was consistent and a small but steady improvement compared with recent runs. Strong to the end and with a spirited finish. Head down, bum up and not showy-offy. Something to work off. That's the kind of thing I like to do.
After the race, I sat around and watched some of the Africans win the Marathon and Half-Marathon....their running is beautiful to watch. I saw Lisa Weightman run a personal best time, and win the ladies' marathon. I saw a lady collapse near the finish of the half-marathon, struggle to get up, and have some fellow competitors go back and collect her and carry her across the finish line (that got the spectators on their feet).
After, I walked from the MCG into the city, seeing folks toward the end of their Marathon, while having fond memories of mine. I saw some people in not-flash shape, but others were smiling and gliding along.
And then it started pissing down and I went home.
Now, I would like to remind you of some fine early '90s hip hop -
2 Legit 2 Quit....gosh, I forgot how catchy MC Hammer is.... I should totally put this on an iPod for running music...
Never fear! I will get back to my usual less heavy content anon.
Firstly, many thanks for the comments on the last post. It was a hard one to write, but it had been brewing in my head for a little while. It really only gently touched the sides of the actual circumstances, the nitty gritty is dealt with behind closed doors at $140 per hour (I know! Cheep Cheep!)
I look at the photo at the bottom, and I feel sad for the children in it, because they knew no better. They had a bit of a chaotic life, in many ways.
Yet I don't really link that child in the photo with the me of now. I don't. Is that good? Bad? Protective?
I've written this post a few times, it was wordy, and I have deleted large chunks, but here it is:
I don't feel angry, or bitter about the past. Maybe briefly about some things, but I remind myself that it is no more. Reflecting on it and learning how it affects me now has been invaluable with managing the boat issues.
Also, I think it will make me a better parent.... bear with me here...
What I have learned, at the end of the day, is this: (and when I say Kids, it probably applies to adults too....)
Kids, in order to grow up all normal(ish), need to be safe.
They need to have a stable roof over their head, and not be shown any worry about where the essentials will come from.
They need to live in an environment free from threat, or violence.
These two are survival things. Perhaps even more subtle is the "emotional safety" aspect.
Because you can't prevent all bad things from happening. Can't always prevent disappointment, or loss, or trauma. The job as a parent is to protect them from what you can, and guide them through what you can't.
We all need to learn to manage negative emotions: sadness, anger, envy. To acknowledge them, and not deny them, but to let them pass. Learn from them.
Kids need older folks who will demonstrate this coping ability to them. They need a safe place to feel heard, and validated.
"You know, you should never be afraid to tell me anything. I am here for you, I have your back, I love you." Amen.
When things are all about maintaining survival (and even that is shaky), there is no room for the emotional sides. There can be no precedent. You are put behind the 8 ball.
This all might seem obvious, but it has taken me a while...I am getting there :D
I have recently suspended my Facebook account. It was something I had been thinking about doing for a while.
Facebook is a bit like alcohol, smoking or cocaine, insofar is it often takes a few goes before you quit for good. And, like them, it is probably best if you never started to begin with.
Here are some more FB/ Drug similes: [Drug addiction is much much worse! I know!]
It made me aggressive, sometimes. Like when I saw a status update that was whiny, passive aggressive, or one bitching about one's children, I had a strong urge to write something tactless in the comments section.
It affected my work...ie I wasted a lot of time.
I would have a craving, have a hit, then wonder what all the fuss was about (I realised a lot of my "friends" are boring), then feel guilty that I did (ie people's lives are boring)
Like a hit of heroin is often cut with junk substances, like ajax or baby powder, facebook came with its own (Candy Crush)
I had a think about quitting.
My main concern was that I would lose touch with people. Then I worried that people would worry about me, think that I had broken up with the fella or something else had happened.
Then I had a think some more
The important people in my life can find me easily. The 280 or so others can find me if they want to. They could google me if they were desperate.
If they were worried, then they could jolly well call me. So far I have had 2 friends call and say "hey, I see you have deleted FB, everything OK?"
Facebook "friends" can be a bit of a fake currency. Often it's a whole bunch of people who I once knew whose lives I am semi-interested in stickynosing (I am a big stickynose), who I would never actually go out and share a bevvy or meal with.
Try as you will, for some people, facebook "friendship" is as far as it will ever go. I had a few promising FB exchanges with a girl I went to uni with. We tried a few times to go out, but, on all 3 occasions, she piked at the last minute.
There are people who put out cries for help on Facebook - feeling down, feeling lonely, feeling anxious. They get a few "everything ok?" on their comments. I wonder where their spouse is, where their entourage is, who they can rely on.
It has been said many times but we are more connected than ever, but more lonely than ever. It is very easy to type "you ok?" on a comment but that is a very poor substitute for a call on the phone or even, God forbid, a knock on the door with a bottle of wine and some chocs and a box of tissues. If I had any inkling that a friend was upset, I would call them, not inbox them.
I think we spend too much time on Facebook and not enough time engaging with others meaningfully.
Facebook is a nice distraction. I like making witty comments on there and getting lots of likes. But it is extraneous.
In a way, Facebook was my way of keeping very tenuous friendships alive in my own head, a way of keeping the lines of contact open.
But dammit, I want to mean enough to people that I can call them, or they can call me. A bilateral effort is made to keep contact.
Generally I have become weary of putting more effort into friendships than the other person. It is energy sapping, and I am putting a stop to it. Closing FB is my way of saying "If you want to be friends, you make contact in a meaningful fashion." Those who are the most meaningful will stay in my life. As I get older, I care less about the attrition and focus more on those who are present. That is a good way to be.
A more streamlined, authentic life.
And more time to blog and talk to my other "imaginary friends" (you guys)
But hey, at least you guys write more than a sentence, there are no hashtags and your spelling is generally good.
