Friday, 20 June 2014

Freak out...proudly presented by elevit.

I interrupt my previous travel and food related train of thought to bring you, faithful and tolerant and clever readers, a freak out. It may sound bad, but bear with me (or alternatively click away at this point).

It was all brought about by the purchase of Elevit. That over-achieving and higher-priced multivitamin, with the soft pink and blue packaging and ideogram of a blissfully pregnant woman. It has 800mcg folate when you only need 500 BUT NO NOTHING BUT THE BEST for the hypothetical foetus.

I bought it yesterday in between a spontaneous eyebrow threading and a quick computer purchase.

It sunk in last night.


Shit's getting real.

(Cue Hyperventilating and Sighing).

It sounds terribly bad but I believe more people need to be upfront about it.

You see, I love my life. I have worked really hard to get it where it is. Babies change it. I am rising in my career. Having a baby will (by necessity) interrupt it, for a bit at least.

My social media feed is bombarded with "parenting is the hardest thing you can do", "how do I get my baby to sleep" "Massaging out mastitis can only be compared to massaging a corkie out of your balls" and such. A lot of the negative things and not many of the good things. I see some of the scary militant mummies who savage on social media anyone who dare have a conflicting opinion.

Yes, I am impressionable and these things do affect me.

I love wine. I love coffee. I love jamon and soft cheese. While consuming these things in Spain, I realised that there will be a time where I won't be able to have them.

I grieved, a little bit. Silly, 'eh?

Same with the spontaneous shop and eyebrow threading. Spontaneity is something parents miss.

My partner is nearing 50. He is a good 50 (with a very cute bottom) but the calm gad-about retirement he envisaged before meeting me has given way to thoughts of carting about a teenaged child.

I worry about his health. My health. My mum's health (she is short and fat and smokes heavily) I worry. It's tiring and needless but I do it anyway.

Then there is the endless and frightening queue of "what if". I won't even go there.

An innocent purchase of some pre-conception multivitamin has catalysed the appreciation of the consequences...

But I am a curious mix of worrier and glass-half-full persona. I have also had many thousands of dollars worth of cognitive behavioural therapy to challenge negative beliefs.

So here is that challenge.

Though the idea of having a baby scares me, the idea of not having a baby scares me more. I can't not.

Not just because I would really love to make my mum a grandma. It's for me. I am lucky to be able to have the choice, to be young enough. To have other ways of self-actualisation without the need to have a baby. Go women!

I don't need a baby to be capable of thinking of others, having empathy and patience, or living in the moment. I would like to think I have those things now!

I want to know that overwhelming, heart-bursting love that occurs when you have your baby. I know I am capable of it. The gummy smiles, and the milk drunk sleepy cuddles. The falling in love.
Plus when I see a little baby my ovaries go BOIOING!!! I can't help it. Its BIOLOGY. I even find toddlers very amusing. Older kids I like too.

The other things

  • I am healthy. My fella is too. Having a bub will be a strong impetus to maintain that.
  • I tolerate mess very well.
  • I have worked in hair raising situations, with long hours and on minimal sleep - this has to count for something.
  • I cry and stamp my feet if I am well fed or slept. Me and a child will understand each other fine.
  • I am somebody for whom the anticipation is invariably far worse than the actuality.
  • I am resourceful, adaptable and fairly intuitive (so says my Myers Briggs Quiz)
  • I have a good income and am insured to the hilt.
  • We have a dog, and it seems to be well-adjusted (apart from rearranging our pot plants) and we have not caused it harm.
  • I have good examples in real life and in blogland (youse know who you are)
  • There will always be coffee. I will just have to cut it back. And wine and cheese and ham will not run away. They will still be there.
  • Most importantly I have a good sense of humour and love a good fart or poo joke (but admittedly I will need to cut back on the swearing, I could make a sailor blush).
I can do this. 

(Hyperventilate sigh breathe in breathe out)

I can do this.

Finally, let's hope that it (by it I mean conception and pregnancy) happens without too much drama. Fingers and toes crossed, 'eh?

Thanks for bearing with me :D x


  1. You can do this and you will do it well.

    Enjoy the trip!

    SSG xxx

    PS - I was a Blackmores girl myself. It was the pink packaging that did it for me :-P

  2. It is the most powerful thing in the world to be a mum so it is only natural that all these feelings come along for the ride. I wish you all the luck and all fingers and toes crossed for you xx

  3. Cilla, I am getting excited for you!!! I hope you get a baby out of the box very soon! Mr Fascinata and I tried for a while after after fertility advice, I'll never forget how the Dr said we had to try more than once a day!!! Lol.

    1. Twice a day!?! I don't think I could- I'd be exhausted.

  4. I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal - any big life change is. But I think all your reasons why it will be fine are absolutely right too! It's one of those things you just have to jump in and do. The thing about your career/ life changes etc is that you won't mind so much. Your life changes as you get older/ life situation changes, and it just isn't that important. I admit I feel pangs at not achieving as much as I could be professionally, but it's just more important to me to have a happy family (unfortunately my husbands job has precluded me working, I'm ok with that, it was a joint decision). Everyone works it out. Ignore the Facebook crowd. You only ever hear the horror stories - there's an awful lot of joy in there too. xx
    ps, my older sister, who is crazy, has worked full time through her pregnancies and from when her babies were 4 months old, plus travels a LOT for work all over the world, and takes them with her on her own (leaving her husband behind). Plus they do 6 or 8 week holidays with babies and toddlers in Europe and the USA (road trips. Shoot me now!) Not my idea of fun, but each to their own. You'll find something that works for you.

    1. Wow, your sister sounds like a hoot!
      There are definitely compromises that must be made. X

  5. Elevit better as avoid the fish oil residue burp

  6. Hello,

    We have found our way here via the delightful Naomi and here we are involved in a kitchen sink drama at the first post. Gosh.

    Well, we are absolutely the last people to offer advice as we have no children ourselves and can barely look after ourselves. We did have cats but they have now died and so we do not even have a goldfish to look after. Our saint of a housekeeper ensures that we are fed and we look presentable when we leave the house, otherwise goodness knows what would become of us!

    From your list, you sound to be perfect for motherhood. Indeed, perhaps you could adopt the pair of us in the interim! That unconditional love which will pour over you will be worth everything. However, that box of stuff which appears to be unfit for children should probably be given a miss!

    We are your latest followers.

    1. Thanks for your comment! I am a big believer in judicious outsourcing of domestic duties x

  7. What? Are you not supposed to drink coffee when you are pregnant now? If I'd ever considered having another kid, I'd stop right now.

    TBH, I smoked, drank and lived on camembert all through my pregnancy - no one had told me not to eat it and the only things I could stomach were camembert and pav. And the consequence - had the only kid I knew that was never sick and had none of those food allergies, asthma or other crap.

  8. Good for you! It's not the hardest thing just the easiest and the best! Mr FF was almost 50- who cares? My baby was an amazing sleeper- I followed the routines in Save our sleep and he slept all the time and I never had mastitis, cause I never breast fed and don't care less who judges me for it. You just have to do what suits you and your own individual circumstances. I wish you all the best darling! You will love it all xxxx

  9. You can do it! You're clever and amazing and organised. All helpful qualities.

  10. For all the complaints that mums make, I've never heard any say they'd rather not have had children! Promise it's worth it.... or I wouldn't be pregnant at the moment :)