I interrupt my previous travel and food related train of thought to bring you, faithful and tolerant and clever readers, a freak out. It may sound bad, but bear with me (or alternatively click away at this point).
It was all brought about by the purchase of Elevit. That over-achieving and higher-priced multivitamin, with the soft pink and blue packaging and ideogram of a blissfully pregnant woman. It has 800mcg folate when you only need 500 BUT NO NOTHING BUT THE BEST for the hypothetical foetus.
I bought it yesterday in between a spontaneous eyebrow threading and a quick computer purchase.
It sunk in last night.
Shit's getting real.
(Cue Hyperventilating and Sighing).
It sounds terribly bad but I believe more people need to be upfront about it.
You see, I love my life. I have worked really hard to get it where it is. Babies change it. I am rising in my career. Having a baby will (by necessity) interrupt it, for a bit at least.
My social media feed is bombarded with "parenting is the hardest thing you can do", "how do I get my baby to sleep" "Massaging out mastitis can only be compared to massaging a corkie out of your balls" and such. A lot of the negative things and not many of the good things. I see some of the scary militant mummies who savage on social media anyone who dare have a conflicting opinion.
Yes, I am impressionable and these things do affect me.
I love wine. I love coffee. I love jamon and soft cheese. While consuming these things in Spain, I realised that there will be a time where I won't be able to have them.
I grieved, a little bit. Silly, 'eh?
Same with the spontaneous shop and eyebrow threading. Spontaneity is something parents miss.
My partner is nearing 50. He is a good 50 (with a very cute bottom) but the calm gad-about retirement he envisaged before meeting me has given way to thoughts of carting about a teenaged child.
I worry about his health. My health. My mum's health (she is short and fat and smokes heavily) I worry. It's tiring and needless but I do it anyway.
Then there is the endless and frightening queue of "what if". I won't even go there.
An innocent purchase of some pre-conception multivitamin has catalysed the appreciation of the consequences...
But I am a curious mix of worrier and glass-half-full persona. I have also had many thousands of dollars worth of cognitive behavioural therapy to challenge negative beliefs.
So here is that challenge.
Though the idea of having a baby scares me, the idea of not having a baby scares me more. I can't not.
Not just because I would really love to make my mum a grandma. It's for me. I am lucky to be able to have the choice, to be young enough. To have other ways of self-actualisation without the need to have a baby. Go women!
I don't need a baby to be capable of thinking of others, having empathy and patience, or living in the moment. I would like to think I have those things now!
I want to know that overwhelming, heart-bursting love that occurs when you have your baby. I know I am capable of it. The gummy smiles, and the milk drunk sleepy cuddles. The falling in love.
Plus when I see a little baby my ovaries go BOIOING!!! I can't help it. Its BIOLOGY. I even find toddlers very amusing. Older kids I like too.
The other things
- I am healthy. My fella is too. Having a bub will be a strong impetus to maintain that.
- I tolerate mess very well.
- I have worked in hair raising situations, with long hours and on minimal sleep - this has to count for something.
- I cry and stamp my feet if I am well fed or slept. Me and a child will understand each other fine.
- I am somebody for whom the anticipation is invariably far worse than the actuality.
- I am resourceful, adaptable and fairly intuitive (so says my Myers Briggs Quiz)
- I have a good income and am insured to the hilt.
- We have a dog, and it seems to be well-adjusted (apart from rearranging our pot plants) and we have not caused it harm.
- I have good examples in real life and in blogland (youse know who you are)
- There will always be coffee. I will just have to cut it back. And wine and cheese and ham will not run away. They will still be there.
- Most importantly I have a good sense of humour and love a good fart or poo joke (but admittedly I will need to cut back on the swearing, I could make a sailor blush).
(Hyperventilate sigh breathe in breathe out)
I can do this.
Finally, let's hope that it (by it I mean conception and pregnancy) happens without too much drama. Fingers and toes crossed, 'eh?
Thanks for bearing with me :D x