I am usually on quite an even keel. Yesterday evening, though, I felt this quite pervasive anxiety. Existential "I am not doing enough" and "I am not enough" anxiety. Anxiety which normally gets the better of me when I have been taken off my happy pills.
I thought back to the last time I felt that way. 29 days ago.
For a couple of days every month, with the drop in mood-protecting lady hormones, my usually well controlled depression can break through the effects of the SSRIs. Or, in English, epic PMS.
Normally I would just shut myself in my room and read. The only way is to let it pass.
The thing was, with all the sun, sand, surf and snuggles of the last month, I had hoped that maybe I might not have to go through PMS again - ie that the relaxing vibe of Byron would have helped along the fertility gods.
It sounds a bit foolish, but I really did think that way. It's not going to be, though.
All of the feels I usually keep at bay at other times came tumbling out last night.
The duality of time. So long a wait for the little egg to drop. The months are short, but the years go quick. I am approaching a birthday. I am getting old, and my partner even older. Are we too old for this?
The "what am I doing with my life" feeling intensified. Normally I am quite satisfied that I live my life to the full, but last night I was bereft of that.
That people get pregnant ON THE PILL! It's like the princess and the pea of conception. I am off the pill, and have suffered acne, hair fall and mood swings. No baby though.
The feeling that some friendships are slipping away. Phone calls cut short by a gaggle of toddlers. Promises to catch up never materialise. The chasm between my stage of life and theirs is widening. I know it's natural for friends to come and go, but still.
And even if I do get there, will I be any good a mum? The parenting horror stories frighten the hell out of me.
All these thoughts I usually keep in check and in perspective, all came down on me in the last 24 hours. I had my monthly good old cry. Perhaps next month I need to anticipate it.
One little mental shift I made last night was regarding the potential for IVF. I don't like the idea of being stuffed full of hormones. I had been putting pressure on myself "hurry up and get pregnant so you don't need IVF!" I realised though that it will likely work if the old fashioned way doesn't. I found that comforting.
That was last night. Today I am a bit better.