Saturday, 10 May 2014

Big things. Backing myself.

There's a lot happening around here at the moment...

The House! How lucky we were...... we have already started considering what we will do, renovations wise.

Work! I am taking new directions in that... it will be different, hopefully enjoyable.

I am trying to crank up my PhD work.

Baby plans have moved forward. All the "pre-baby" health things are being thought of and actioned.

It's exciting..and yet, it makes me anxious. Full of "but what if (insert thing here) happens"

I worry about whether I have the skills to take my job in this direction, even though there is no reason why not.

I am extremely sensitive to new mums talking about their crying babies. About how "it is the hardest job in the world". So sensitive that I have unfollowed a few people on facebook.

Thank God for the Mums I follow on these blogs - they are an excellent counterpoint and are so positive.

What if I don't know what to do? What if I don't like it? What if I fall to pieces? Get depressed? I have already made an anxious call to my mum confirming that she will be there to give instructions when I don't know what to do. It's not something you can practice for.

The underlying theme here is that I worry that I won't be good enough.

I worry that I won't be good enough, without any evidence that that is true.

By the by, I caught up with a friend whose marriage is on it's last legs. I went to Uni with him. We did the uni thing, graduated together, got married at similar times. Some of our colleagues had kids. Now they are having number 2 and 3. Now the first lot of marriages are breaking up....all different stages of life.

I told him without batting an eyelid that, whatever happens, he will be alright. There will be a time when he is happy. I told him that with absolute confidence, based on my own experience of that happening.

I need to learn to have a bit of faith. That anticipating the worst doesn't insulate me against bad things happening, but will definitely erode my confidence. I am somebody for whom the anticipation is almost always worse than the actuality.

I am having to learn to back myself, to have confidence in the fact that I can deal with things, and make the best of things. I've done it many times before, and I can do it again. Fear, like guilt, is a wasteful emotion much of the time.

Thankyou for reading that ramble. x


  1. You are enough, Cilla.

    Thank you for your words of wisdom.

    SSG xxx

  2. Good ramblings on 'over-thinking' ....I do think having children and doing a 'good job' is the hardest job in the world. Don't hate me (lol). Mind you, I never had any!!! I also believe if you over-think it, you believe there's never a good time to have them. You are at a challenging point in life with big things intersecting for you - baby - new house - professional workload - relationship, there's no doubt. I'm backing you to win. You are right about fear being a waste of time. One of the many things I love about teaching four lots of 30 teenagers everyday is that I don't have a moment for any hesitations, and I think that makes me love work...I don't have time to think!! Hope that makes sense. :D happy Sunday. Xx

  3. I think your feelings are very normal - it's the great unknown. You'll be fine - you muddle through, find your own way. You will find everyone has something that worked for them... listen to it all, and work out what suits you and your baby and family best. It's just about trying things out until they work the way you want them to. You've had some big changes with the home - moving in with the man, the dog, career stuff.... no wonder you're feeling a little anxious!! I left a message on your last post, but blogger didn't let it get to you it seems? Very exciting with your home plans. Lots of good things on the horizon for you Cilla xx