I know everyone is thinking happy thoughts for me. I am glad to have people thinking of me, as being thought about positively, and people wanting the best for you, is a good thing and it makes me feel good. The idea of the thoughts changing the cosmic energy around my endometrium such that it is rendered more sticky and receptive to the lump is somewhat more questionable.
In the last few days, I have had a couple of people say some things to me that have made me feel a bit "WTF?" I take them in the spirit in which they are given, but I have the WTFs nevertheless.
I was in my fertility doctor's office. I mentioned something along the lines of wanting to limit the number of IVF cycles I have if this one were not to work, and she cut me off saying "you need to stay positive".
Somebody else, recently pregnant with IVF, said "stay strong and positive". I can much more happily deal with news of pregnancies that have been assisted rather than those that have occurred naturally. So sue me.
First of all, what does staying positive even mean?
Does it mean that I am not allowed to express fear, or doubt, or sadness? Perfectly reasonable and expected feelings? Do I have to constantly envisage a happy future with a fat little baby, rather than allowing the thoughts of "ok, what will I do if it does not happen, how will I live my life the best?"
Moreover, do I blame myself if I don't get pregnant, because I failed to think positively enough? Perhaps some ACUPUNCTURE or HERBS or CRYSTALS will help next time (although I fail to see how they will make my 38 year old eggs 28 years old again).
No, no and fuck no.
What about strong? In crossfit this morning, I did sumo deadlift, 3 sets of 5 at 80kg. That's pretty fuckin' strong.
Does strong mean "stay silent and do not ever betray your underlying mental state?" Does it mean "don't cry"? Does it mean "I am not comfortable to hear about your fears and doubts so don't show them to me"?
There is a 10 day wait in between the download and the pregnancy test. I am not looking forward to it. By all accounts, it varies between uncomfortable and excruciating. I need to get through this 10 days as best I can. Without wine!
It's good to have goals. Goals should be SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Time Limited)
Specific: "Stay strong and positive" is very nebulous
Using that framework, I have come up with the following
- Try not to fall down the rabbit hole of thinking too much into the future, thinking about how I will react, either way. I need to think of a thing that will break that cycle.
- Aim only to get to work and crossfit. (If feeling tired, can lay off crossfit). Pat self on back when each of these things achieved.
- Arrange catch ups with friends that are positive for my mental state (note: need to start arranging).
- If I am feeling sad, I will give myself some space to feel that way. Desist with anything non-urgent that is stressful. It can be put off till after.
- Find some good books to read. Have them available.
- Make or plan 2 meals for next week - I might not feel up to cooking
Anyone else had any specific tricks to feeling better?