Monday, 23 November 2015

How is it actually nearly freakin' December?

I write the date down lots of times per day. 24/11/2015, for example. I find myself constantly marvelling at how quickly the year has gone.

Melbourne is doing its spring thing, and coughing up four seasons in, if not one day, then one week. Still, there is plenty of very pleasant weather, in which we can enjoy outdoor pursuits, such as drinking a vino and eating some food truck food at the newly opened food van place. With the fella and the dog.

After a cold winter, I am loving and taking comfort in the sunshine.

I am also taking comfort in the fact that the PhD is very nearly in the can. I just need to make some small formatting changes, get it signed off by the Head of Department, and have it printed and bound in leather. It will then sit on a shelf where, with any luck, it will never see the light of day again.

It has been a roller coaster of a couple of weeks. There have been wins but there have been losses and frustrations. I have tried to roll with it as best I can. Be grateful and happy about the wins, and feel the losses.
It's been that kind of a year. I would never wish a year away, or write it off. I don't think it's even worth wishing the next year will be different. No joy without the pain, etc.

I have been playing the very proud Auntie. Looking at pics of my little niece makes me feel happy. However I had some news that a friend (not really a close one) had become pregnant unexpectedly. It was, unexpectedly, a big mental wollop. I felt like I had been actually slapped upside the head.

The socially appropriate response is "eeeeee, that's fantastic", but what you really feel like saying is "congratulations, now kindly fuck off". Harsh, but realistic.

I tried to find a meme to express my feelings, alas there are none forthcoming. I did not even want to really talk about it to people, because they would say "oh don't worry, you'll have a baby soon enough" and that will really not help at all. So I just sit with it myself, or reach out to a friend who I know will get it. Oh, and share it on the interwebs.

Once again, it's helpful just to ride these feelings out, rather than feel guilty because they are not the socially sanctioned responses. I'm not alone here, I don't think.

Planning more than about 6 months in advance is hard, which makes it all the more important to enjoy the here and now. To plan little nice things regularly. Like the trip to Sydney this weekend. There is indeed lots to be grateful for.


  1. I too am loving the weather! Sydney is really turning it on right now.

    Looking forward to the catch up.

    SSG xxx

  2. Keep the faith Cilla. But I think you're perfectly justified to feel the way you do about other people's pregnancies. It's a very glib and easy thing to say don't worry, it will happen one day. Even if it does. xx

  3. That's a beautiful comment from Heidi above. Hang in there, and boy, your cheer squad will be cheering (won't say 'rooting for you!') when it happens. Strangely a friend announced her pregnancy (the second one about 9 years after her first baby) to me recently and I felt bent out of shape. It threw me for a six because despite never having children I had never felt like it (and I am way past the age now). Keep practising. ;D x

  4. I hate platitudes too. Truth be said, platitudes were doing my head in, but I read a fabulous article by Tune into Radio Carly blogger about platitudes which really helped. I learnt to put them where they belong - in the garbage bin! Good luck with this.
    Your niece will one day enjoy reading how much love you have for her. Nothing better really. Den x