Good days.

Bloody hell that egg pick knocked me about. I was in quite a bit of discomfort. I took 2 days off work after, I've not taken 2 consecutive sick days in.... I can't even remember when. I was bloated, tired, and had pain in the belly with movement. Staring at the ceiling did my head in. 6 of my 12 eggs fertilised. I was angry - last time I got 7 eggs of which 5 fertilised - all those extra side effects for one more fertilised egg. However, I've forgotten about it for the time being.

However, today and yesterday have been good.

I have:

• not required a daytime nap
• not cried
• not gotten angry and cursed things.

At all, yesterday and today. It is the first time in maybe a few weeks that it's been that way. I don't take it for granted. Perhaps it's because I have been able to get to Crossfit? Perhaps it's just the natural history of a foul mood.

I have been very hungry and eating ALL THE THINGS. I attribute this to the residual HCG from the trigger shot. Gotta take the good with the bad.

I have had the energy to do some research related tasks. Or perhaps it's the deadline looming on them.

I am going out with my fella for dinner tonight at a fancy city restaurant. The IVF is sometimes hard on relationships, and we are only human. It is important that we do nice things together.

Bit of a busy weekend this weekend, before a busy week.

15 days to Bali, too.

Twelve

I write today, Friends, from my Sick Couch.

I am groggy from the drugs and sore from the holes punched in my pelvis, but OK nonetheless.

I have just finished my second stim cycle of IVF, and it was hard going. I was on a higher dose of the follicle stimulating hormone, and it made me feel tired and seedy. I have been good in bed (as in, I have spent a lot of time there).

Last time I got seven eggs. This time, the specialist thought I might get ten eggs, but I woke up from the anaesthetic with the news that I got 12.

I cannot tell you how happy that made me. When things aren't going one's way, and one holds on to the little tiny things as a way of staying sane, it is wonderful to have something exceed your expectations.

There is a great deal of attrition involved in this process, and more eggs collected means a greater likelihood of having a genetically normal embryo, which will proceed to a full-term pregnancy and a healthy baby.

Each woman is different in IVF.

Mostly, IVF is an invisible process. Most women don't share. I have shared a bit, because I think it is important to.

Most of those women who are open about their IVF seem to be of the #IVFwarrior variety. They are the never say die, never give up hope variety.

I am not in that camp.

IVF is hard, physically, mentally and financially. The results are by no means guaranteed. I do not know how these women have the strength to keep going with many IVF cycles. I have heard it said that infertility and IVF is a series of continuous psychological adjustments to changing circumstances.

My approach is very much a "one day at a time" process. I have glimmers of hope, but most of my energy is spent on getting through as best I can. I dare not say "give up", but in the back of my mind is the "ok, what if it doesn't work, what then?" track, a track that I cannot fully engage with while I am doing the IVF.

For now, though, I can be happy that the stims are over, and I can look forward to Bali. It is the place that I wish to run to when things are overwhelming at home. Within the next couple of weeks I will find out what these eggies have done with themselves.

The pleasant day-to-day.

It's been a little while, folks. 

I've just come back from Sydney, where I was at a conference. I spent the weekend sitting beside my dear friend, SSG.

SSG and I see each other infrequently, less than once a year, but we are well across the broad details of each other's lives. We text or like each other's insta posts just about on the daily. Hence, catching up IRL (as opposed to URL) was companionable and comfortable, rather than the "squeee" and formalities and niceties of other infrequent catch-ups. I felt comfortable enough to launch straight into a rant about my hotel room; it had a pillar right in the middle and was the most unusably-configured hotel room I have ever stayed in.

Anyway, seeing SG felt like a continuation of the discussion and banter we have regularly. It is nice to regularly be reminded that people care, even if they are mainly only present in the text and tech world. Cheers, matey SSG! x

The conference and eats and drinks were orright too. There was not a great deal of time to do a great deal else, but SSG and I snuck out for a bite of lunch, which involved most of the major food groups (champagne, persian fairy floss, chippies, bread, dips and sausage rolls).

But yes, it's been a while since I last posted.

I was intellectually prepared for the IVF to fail, but the emotional fallout took me by surprise.

I sought some counselling with the IVF conglomerate, that was hard to come by and I had to talk to the patient complaints lady to make any headway on that (hint: the squeaky wheel gets the oil).

I have stayed afloat, kept doing all the things, but the veneer of normality has been thin. I have sometimes felt that, if I were to just let it (what ever "it" is) go, I could cry at any time. This has been getting better, though. I don't feel so fragile. Except for when I spend any time near a baby. Then I nearly lose my shit.

There have been many, many episodes of ugly crying. It's kind of nice, in a way. I have been letting myself feel, letting myself cry, more freely than I ever have in the past.

There were more ugly tears last week, after I went for a job and was unsuccessful. Why did I bother going for it? Because why the fuck not?

The sads can be a gnawing, heavy thing, or they can be a white hot overwhelming angry thing. The are not there all the time however. It is the time in between the sads that is keeping me together. I am taking comfort in the fact that, even though some fairly major things aren't going our way at the moment, the day to day, here and now, is actually reasonable.

I have been giving the phrase "tomorrow is another day" a good flogging, and have been putting on my big girl panties (so to speak) regularly.

I am living for crossfit, and training 5 or 6 times per week. Anyone who follows me on Insty will be abreast of my progress with handstands. I am working on my kipping (a gymnastics term). I am proud of the calluses that have formed on my hands. Last week, the workout was so hard that I literally cried afterwards (my state of mind was not the best going in, and I hadn't had a great night's sleep, by way of explanation).

I have made a friend, who is 22 years old. She is a curvy girl, but has lost quite a bit of weight and is very body confident. Like the most confident 22 year old I have come across, generally. She is my Workout Wifey. We generally pair up for workouts and have even been assigned a portmanteau by one of the coaches (ChrisCilla). She is a bit of an animal and is super fit. We laugh and joke and rattle off gangsta rap song lyrics at random. Hanging out with her is one of the highlights of my day. As the weather heats up she is leaning towards a bit of belly exposure in the active wear department and I am inspired to do the same #freethebelly.

The little things are intensified. For example, not having to brace myself against the cold when I walk outside is pleasant. The smell of flowers - pleasant. A good coffee - pleasant (FYI, McCafe coffee is really good, consistent). A funny meme - pleasant.

The time at home, waiting for my partner to return home of an evening, that can stretch and be uncomfortable. I have a bit of solitude in my life, and while that might in other instances be a good thing, I can go uncomfortably into my own thoughts. It is tempting to comfort eat and drink but I have (mostly) avoided doing that. I feel proud of myself for having done that.

I am thinking of other things, too. Like getting a new set of wheels. Maybe a Honda. It is about as prestige as I will go. I can't bring myself to pony up for a Beemer or Merc or Range Rover Evoque (sweet set of wheels, my friend has one). I am thinking of movies to see. Thinking of selling stuff on ebay. Thinking of movies I can go and see. We are thinking about looking at some display houses with view to a reno.

When one is going through something, it can be hard to get the head of steam to do the things that need it, like everything excluding work and eating and personal hygiene tasks. I am chipping away towards that head of steam.

A month ago, the thought of doing another round of IVF was obscene, I could not face it. While I am definitely not thrilled about going there again, at higher dose of hormones, I can actually bring myself to do it.

It's hard to get my hopes up at all, or indeed feel anything but "meh" about it. My technique is mainly just distraction. Enjoying the pleasant enough day to day, and holding on to the normal moments.