Falling into the flow.

I have gone back to work, done loads and loads of washing, gotten back into the timezone and generally back into the swing of things. The acute post-holiday blues have settled. I start my new job tomorrow.

I have a new haircut. I was talking with a female professor of medicine, and out of the blue, she told me that I had a lovely face and that I needed a hairdo that would frame it. Granted my hair was in travel mode (ie lank and greasy) but I was a bit taken aback. I had a love-hate relationship with my long hair - it was always a belief I had, unchallenged, that "curvy girls should have long hair".

Anyway I took the professor's comment in the manner in which it was given; rather than saying "rude bugger" I considered and thought she might have a point. So I did some research with the committee (ie my female facebook friends) and found a good hairdresser, Barberella on Gertrude street. I did the old "do what you like but not this and this and this and this and also please don't make my face look fat". She was very good and attentive and I was very happy with the result, I have a lovely face-framing bob, which is super-feminine and sharp but classic.

This whole theme of taking things in my stride loomed large today. There have been lots of murmurings within one of my workplaces about lack of funds. Today, I had the meeting with the new director and the Prof Emeritus. I actually offered to "quit" for the time being, to concentrate on writing my papers. I figured that, if I had to go, I would go on my terms. Also it would free me from a few pressures and free me up to do more profitable work.

Long story short, the Prof Emeritus would not hear of me stepping aside. He asked me to stay on, but do fewer sessions. I agreed. It still frees me up to do something that pays better, but my role is intact. So essentially I weathered a cull gracefully. It could've been upsetting but it really wasn't. I realised it was great that I have options that few others have, so that this kind of thing isn't a big deal.

It's that working hard at the art of not giving a single fuck. To appreciate the pros and cons of each situation, and embrace whatever happens. At the moment, I am winning at adulting.

In general crossfit news, I can feel the attainment of a box-jump in my waters.

Open WOD 16.3 - Close, but no cigar. Lightbulb moments.

So if you are sick of my CrossFit musings then you will probably wish to click away now.

Still here? Good!

Todays workout was

7 Minutes AMRAP (as many reps as possible)

10 Power Snatches, 15kg
5 chest to bar jumping pull-ups

I first looked at this workout on the webpage yesterday. I thought "sweet". However I picked up the term "chest to bar" and groaned inwardly. WOD 16.1 (reported here) involved jumping chin to bar pull-ups and I struggled with them. I thought "no way am gonna go chest to bar".

Still, before the WOD (workout of the day), I gave them a go. I tried a few times, changing around my grip. I had no issue getting my chin to the bar (yays) but could not get my chest up to the bar.

I was told that I could only score 10 reps (ie the first 10 snatches). I was disappointed, but still, it's 10 more snatches than I could do a year ago.

I did the WOD as best I could. I thought about not registering a score, but 10 is better than 0 so....

Here is a snatch (minds out of the gutter, folks)...

Though I always used to guffaw when I asked the coaches to look at my snatch....


The full workout had bar muscle-ups rather than chinups. Bar muscle ups are a beast of a move:

During the week I had a 1:1 session with the head coach. Great to learn some skills in a more supervised environment, and gain confidence.

Speaking of which, I am trying to write a paper with the proceeds of my research. I was getting really stalled - worrying about every little word on the page.

I wrote myself this note

I need to remember that my knowledge and my work is just as good as anyone else's.


We all need a lightbulb moment. Sometime's it's a liberating, empowering moment. Sometimes it's a realisation that comes of taking a good hard look at ourselves that makes us uncomfortable. I had one of these realisations this past week - I am not yet comfortable to discuss it on this forum; I could barely bring myself to talk to my partner. But it's all good.

A week in Byron Bay.

Howdy!

I am reluctantly thrust back into reality after a ripper week in Byron Bay.

#sorrynotsorry I don't have any photos in this post. Most of the cool things we did, it was impracticable to bring a phone and snap away. Also there's that thing about living your experiences rather than photographing them.

I did post many pictures of beer and food; these sitting down pics were at the times where I reflected on the good times I just had.

It was very much a week of letting shit go, and not giving a fuck. I had been fairly stressed prior to the trip with one thing or another, and am significantly less so now. A warm, subtropical, chilled-out beach town will do that to you.

I had been craving some time at the beach, and that craving was sated this holiday. Byron has some fabulous beaches, which I swam in daily. I showed off my bikini body - I have a body and I have a bikini, and I walked around in that bikini like a boss among the lithe 20 year old German backpackers.

We went sea kayaking on a glorious sunny day. There was a bit of "motion in the ocean" and mild seasickness ensued, however this was alleviated by seeing a pod of dolphins doing their dolphin thing, and getting up as close as 10 metres away. We had to retreat as the current towards the rocks was strong, but it was a very special experience. Kayaking with one's partner is a good bonding experience, if you can paddle without arguing too much that is a good sign.

I had known that Byron was a big surfie destination, and I was keen though a little scared to try. I had read all the reviews of the local surf schools saw that the newbie surfers had a blast. Hence I bit the bullet. The manageress of the B and B we stayed at suggested we went to a school called Style Surf, run by Gaz, who is something of a local institution. Hence we signed up. The next day, we got picked up and went to the beach. There were no waves. Gaz, calling the surf "piss poor", said that he wouldn't "steal our money" and sent us back home without charging us. We then went the next day, at a different location, and alas, there were waves.

We did some initial instruction on the sand. All good in theory - paddle, banana up, then get up really quickly into the appropriate standing position. Yep all good. In the water, however, it was a great deal harder.

Part of the issue is that I was a bit scared, the instructors sensed that. Mostly of the waves, of getting knocked over, of having a board whack me over the head, heck, of drowning. Or sharks. But mostly drowning.

I went out there, eyes toward the beach as instructed ("look down, fall down") and gave it my best crack. I stood up once for about a nanosecond, then went over. I fell over all the other times, into the drink. Some amazing acrobatics were performed into the water. Most of my energy was taken up dragging the board back out, and having the board whacked out of my hands by the waves repeatedly. I became comfortable with facing up to the big waves (only really a metre or so), with putting my head underwater, and with negotiating the currents.

I had a ripper time and after a couple of hours I was knackered. But I was proud of myself for giving it a crack and facing my fears and disregarding my ego. I will give it another go someday.

The other fantastic thing was meeting with all of the instructors, and learning that many of the stereotypes regarding surfies are true. You are addressed as "bro" (if you are a bloke) and "darlin" (if you are a blokette). They greet each other using the "ridgey didge", sign, which means "hang loose, bro". They are very funny and very friendly.

On the surfies' recommendation, we went out to the local pub that night, the more down at heel local one, ironically called the Railway hotel (there hasn't been a railway for some years). The drinks were cheap and cheerful, and the food was good and cheap. Best of all, there was a reggae band playing, which had everybody up on their feet, dancing, while the rain went down sideways outside. We met up with a few friendly travellers and had a whale of a night.

We did a bit of driving around the hinterland, and went to the cute little towns with the high-end stores and restaurants focussing on local produce.

We really did have a great time, and we will be back.

While I was having this good time, I let go of worrying about the future, if only for a little while. Some of the emails I sent out have been returned. We shall see where they head.

How is it actually nearly freakin' December?

I write the date down lots of times per day. 24/11/2015, for example. I find myself constantly marvelling at how quickly the year has gone.

Melbourne is doing its spring thing, and coughing up four seasons in, if not one day, then one week. Still, there is plenty of very pleasant weather, in which we can enjoy outdoor pursuits, such as drinking a vino and eating some food truck food at the newly opened food van place. With the fella and the dog.

After a cold winter, I am loving and taking comfort in the sunshine.

I am also taking comfort in the fact that the PhD is very nearly in the can. I just need to make some small formatting changes, get it signed off by the Head of Department, and have it printed and bound in leather. It will then sit on a shelf where, with any luck, it will never see the light of day again.

It has been a roller coaster of a couple of weeks. There have been wins but there have been losses and frustrations. I have tried to roll with it as best I can. Be grateful and happy about the wins, and feel the losses.
It's been that kind of a year. I would never wish a year away, or write it off. I don't think it's even worth wishing the next year will be different. No joy without the pain, etc.

I have been playing the very proud Auntie. Looking at pics of my little niece makes me feel happy. However I had some news that a friend (not really a close one) had become pregnant unexpectedly. It was, unexpectedly, a big mental wollop. I felt like I had been actually slapped upside the head.

The socially appropriate response is "eeeeee, that's fantastic", but what you really feel like saying is "congratulations, now kindly fuck off". Harsh, but realistic.

I tried to find a meme to express my feelings, alas there are none forthcoming. I did not even want to really talk about it to people, because they would say "oh don't worry, you'll have a baby soon enough" and that will really not help at all. So I just sit with it myself, or reach out to a friend who I know will get it. Oh, and share it on the interwebs.

Once again, it's helpful just to ride these feelings out, rather than feel guilty because they are not the socially sanctioned responses. I'm not alone here, I don't think.

Planning more than about 6 months in advance is hard, which makes it all the more important to enjoy the here and now. To plan little nice things regularly. Like the trip to Sydney this weekend. There is indeed lots to be grateful for.

Darling buds. Doggy music festivals.

I was a bit out of sorts last evening and this morning.

However, as I got into my car to get to work, I saw the first little rosebud of spring. I looked a little closer, focussed and took a picture.

Seeing the first little rose bloom of spring changes nothing, but these things help ground me in the here and now. It defuses imagined crises.

The past weekend brought some glorious weather for a dog-friendly music festival, Dogapalooza.

It was fairly soporific music without bass or many high notes, so as not to distress the woofies. It was just nice to have some chill-time with the fur baby.

There were hipsters, so many hipsters, and their beasts, from a toy chihuahua to a large great Dane the size of a shetland pony. The Dane, lazily lying on his side, rolled on it's back to allow passers by to pat his belly. His paws were massive. I wonder what he costs to feed?

I have been in a bit of pain recently, with my back. It is a longstanding niggle of mine. It used to be on the right side of my lower back, now it has settled in on the left side. I am seeing a myotherapist who is a fellow crossfitter, except she is really good at crossfit. Like, competition grade. I have tight, overdeveloped, overactive quads and hip flexors, and weaker, lazy glutes. It pulls me out of shape. I have to do lots of clams and glute strengthening exercises, which I used to do a lot of when I did pilates but don't worry so much about now. To my detriment, clearly.

It's a short week here in Melb, with a public holiday on Friday, bought back in by our new Premier after show day was "Jeffed"* some years ago. I am using the extra time to attack a few papers and presentations I need to write, and do some weeding. The weeds are taunting me. I asked a person from the grey army to come and give me a quote for the gardening but he got muddled up so I told him not to bother. Some weeding will do me good, anyway.

I am soooooo hanging out for Penang.

* Jeffed =laid to waste or abolished by Jeff Kennett, the 1990s  Victorian Premier with a slash and burn mentality.

And you?
How are your glutes? Lazy like mine? Or taut and functional?
Any nice flowers in your part of town?

Keeping the equilibrium.

In times of stress, I feel I need to very deliberately offset the stress with nice things.

For instance, I spent all Sunday, alone in my work office, working on my PhD. It is in many ways like the last phases of a marathon - you can see the finish but it is hella painful.

I am on leave next week to spend some quality time with this bad boy.

Hence, last Saturday was active relaxation time. I went to a nice local shop called Village Vineyard, the owner of which is a lovely lady whom I have met socially

I only bought the essentials

I got my Namaste on at Yoga.

I got my eyelashes tinted and permed (PS it's awesome), and had a facial. PS. My skin is still a quagmire, despite multiple measures. I see the dermatologist next week. Unfortunately anything very effective for acne is also a no-no when trying for a bub.

I have been doing plenty of exercise. Yesterday I did some pull-ups. Granted they were assisted by a big elastic band around my feet to take some of my weight. However I was super-excited. I have also been lifting heavy weights and perfecting deep squats. Very challenging to the balance.

Here are my badass hand grips which helped my hands not to be chafed to shreds

But some more very stressful news this afternoon sent me into a bit of a tailspin.
It really is a matter of quickly trying to claw the sanity back, psychologically.
The stress acutely intensified my gratitude for the very excellent things in my life. The acute stress lasted an hour or so, then I could raise my eyes above it.

Life really is about trying to keep mental equilibrium among all the vicissitudes. Much like I need to keep my balance while doing awesome crossfit moves by making rapid postural corrections.


How do you regain your equilibrium after a stressor?

Mindfulness, the cilosophy way.

Perhaps mercifully I have not been internet shopping and have nothing to show you.

Actually that's probably a lie; nothing has tickled my fancy enough to want to buy it.

Today comes another navel-gazing post. Well not navel gazing. Quite the opposite.

In order to get my body ready for being a  sacred vessel of the wonder of new life(?!), I have had to make some changes to medications. That finely tuned neurotransmitter and hormone balance that keeps me well and functioning has been upset, and other things need to be brought in to maintain that balance.

Don't worry! I am ok! Thankyou for asking!

I am exercising regularly. I have cut back on alcohol. I wear clean undies and wash behind my ears.

One of the things I have been encouraged to practice is mindfulness. It is a cognitive therapy based on Buddhist meditation.

Imagine you get a bothersome and unpleasant thought in your head. It could be reality based.
The thought becomes bigger and darker.
It becomes so real. It is like that thing you thought about is actually occurring.
You get the physical signs of that thing actually occurring. The breathing quickens, the pulse quickens and becomes palpable. You feel sick, or can't sleep.

Thing is, it's not actually happening. In fact, 90% of the unpleasant thoughts and worries don't actually occur. If you are thinking about an unpleasant thing from the past, it is just that: past. It is not the here and now.

Cognitive behavioural therapy gets us to challenge the beliefs that occur as a result of these thoughts. I can be quite good at that.

Mindfulness gets us to stop the thought. Hold on for a minute, without judgement or letting it affect you too badly. Then let it go. Return to the here and now, mainly by concentrating on your internal signals like your breath, and your surroundings.

I actually find concentrating on the breath quite anxiety provoking, to be honest, but the theory is good. I am told it actually helps with frontal lobe function (that bit of your brain that carries on higher functions like planning).

The here and now is actually not at all threatening.
My situation at the moment, my life, is actually....really really good. I need to go back to that.

Here is a link to some short mindfulness exercises from the black dog institute - anyone can try them.

Do you meditate? How do you go with it?

Not making dreams my master.

Howdy!

So I have gone from light, shopping related posts to an introspective one here.
One never knows what I might come out with.

It must be that time of the year where I hear every few days that somebody is pregnant. A close girlfriend of mine is about 14 weeks.

I am thrilled and excited for these people, but part of me gets a little jealous. Exactly the same as in this post.

I have a bad case of preggy-envy.

Now that the...ahem...trying..is going on, there are certain other things that are occuring within me.

I think about babies quite a lot. It's not a mournful thing. I just have to catch myself.

I am making plans based on being pregnant within a certain period of time.

I catch myself deferring things "in case" I get pregnant.

That is not the path I want to go down.

I came to thinking about this stanza from my favourite poem, If.

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;


I must continue to live my life unashamedly. The path to mumma may well be long or beset with trouble. I can't make dreams my master. As somebody clever once told me, I have to trust in the process.


So I will submit that abstract to present in Boston next year.
And I have registered for the 10km fun run in December with the aim of improving my time.
And I will continue to try and build my private practice.


And I will just try and be patient, and live fully.

Taking stock....

I think this is a good theme for my post as it sums up what I have been thinking the last day or so....

As somebody who has had to tame the black dog, I have had to learn to catch myself out of negative thoughts about myself.

I was always taught to be humble, a little self deprecating; I think a lot of us have been taught not to toot our horn too loud. Yet I took that to heart. Thoughts that would start innocently enough, but would be so frequent and magnified, then they would be internalised and taken as God's truth without a single challenge.

I have learned a lot about mindfulness, and catching and letting go of unhelpful thoughts.

Better yet, though, would I dare think something nice about myself?

Could I catch and keep hold of a good thought about myself?

So I gave myself a challenge today. Think of five good things about myself. It was not a comfortable thing to think about, but here they are.


1. I make people laugh.

I am the queen of irreverent and inappropriate humour.  Get a couple of wines in me, and I am even better.

2. I give a shit.

I am a caring person. If I see somebody floundering, I will ask them about it and try my best to help. If I see your child about to swallow something they shouldn't, I will let you know (it takes a community to raise a child). I will give a person a hug if they look like they need one.

3. I am not afraid (anymore) to be myself.

We can only really be ourselves; to be anything else is very difficult and tiring. I used to show bits of myself then worry incessantly that people didn't like me. Then I would apologise and vet my behaviour.

With maturity, I have learned that there are times when I need to shut my gob, let it go to the keeper, but as a general rule I can be myself and people will like me for it (and people won't - their loss).

4. I am good at drawing.

And painting. I showed a bit of aptitude at high school but gave it away for more scholarly pursuits. It is a talent I would like to embrace a little more, train a little more.

5. I know a little bit about lots of things.

I think it's important to take an interest in things. If something piques my interest, I will look it up on wikipedia. Apart from 1970s bands and footy stats, I would be quite good on your pub quiz team.

~~~~~~~~~
The other thing I need to take stock of, I feel, is my spending. To be clear, I don't spend more than I earn, but money can burn a hole in my pocket and I tend to spend it on clothes and shoes. Fine feathers make the bird, as I said last post. However, more stuff does not a happy person make, and I would like to be a little more mindful about what discretionary purchases I make. It is far too easy to go shopping. In fact, I just did, which is what prompted this post (plus the fact they had 25% off shoes I had my eyes on....)

So as a first step, I got a (free) app to monitor incomings and outgoings....particularly these discretionary purchases. It might just get me thinking a little more before I buy.


Sooo, what about you?
Here is your opportunity to toot your horn - tell me some awesome things about yourself. Let's cheer each other on.
Any budgeting tips to share with me?