Thursday, 4 April 2019

Life, etc. 6 months.

Oooh Hai! It me!

Our little man has just gone 6 months.

I am going to used that hackneyed phrase "it's gone by in such a flash", because it is true. I enjoy looking back at photos of him from when he was a tiny thing, remembering the feels.

Life has been busy. Not in the frantic way, in a rich and rewarding way (hackneyed, I know). We have moved back into our old hood, into our new rebuilt house. It is much more enjoyable being closer to everything, the high street, the cafes, the boutiques. Seeing mums from the mother's group out and about. Lots of calm pleasant banality to fill days with a little baby and pick up some vitamin D. Our days together involve going out for a coffee together, doing some housework, me trying to slip in personal hygiene without him squawking too much (I put him in his bouncer outside the bathroom, door open, we do what we can).

My favourite thing is to take an afternoon nap with him. He lies beside me on my bed, we face each other, I hold his chubby little hand and we fall alsleep for a bit. I have a bottle on the bedside table ready for when he wakes up, and I deftly slip it into his gob as he starts crying. This buys an extra hour of nap for him and a bit of untethered pottering time for me. We had him sleeping through the night for a month or so, through till 5:30-6:30 am, but growth spurts and lurgies have put an end to this for the time being.

He has just started some child care, we found a nice place for him with vacancies so we took it up. He seems to have adapted well and they are very loving towards him. I do appreciate being able to do things like shower uninterrupted, but I miss him terribly. I am almost looking forward to getting back to work, so I will be distracted from missing him. Also we need the cash. House knockdowns don't pay for themselves, alas.

We have also started solids, I started out with grand plans for chopping and steaming and whizzing all my own food but then saw the light. Squeezy packs for the win (no added sugar or salt, naturally). It is a good way to get the green veg into him. They mix it with some apple puree to make it palatable. He also quite likes gumming a crust of sourdough. Chip off the old block.

It can be a real bubble, the mum at home thing. For better or worse (perhaps more the latter), social media has been my link to the outside world. Indeed, I have made some friends and had helpful discussions. However, there is exposure to too much misery and annoyance. Having the baby home only for a limited time per week (as opposed to full time) forces me into the here and now, which is good.

I am getting my head slowly back into the work game. I go back mid-next month, part time. I try not  to worry that I have lost my work edge, lost my skills. It comes flooding back.

On the feminist/work train of thought, I saw a leadership type job that fits my skill set. Apparently there are quite senior applicants and my chances of getting the role are slim. However, I have been encouraged to apply by a few people nonetheless, if only to signal my interest in a more senior role. I chucked a bit of an internal tanty about the "bromotions" that often occur, and  I need to go forth like there are no other applicants, and do the best job I am capable of. I am well aware that women are less likely to put themselves forward for senior roles, and, though scared, and "what about my baby?", I march on. Too many women lose their confidence when they have a baby, though one thing we are definitely good at when the baby is off our hands is getting stuff done, so at least I bring that to the table.

Along with all the feels of having a little baby and stepping back into the workforce, there have been other things. Things with my mum have not been going smoothly. My sister is no longer talking to her. Having the baby has made me more bold with setting boundaries, my time is my currency, and time will be withdrawn without notice if fuckery occurs. This seems to have been understood, for the moment. I really swing between love, guilt, frustration and anger with her, when I try to keep it shallow and pleasant.

One of my friends that I have known URL for years, and gone IRL in the last couple, is very ill with an aggressive cancer of the liver. She has battled poor health for years and this is an almighty thwack of awful luck. She has weeks to live, and she is throwing an early birthday party while she is still reasonably well. I will be going. It is a hard thing to get my head around, that this will definitely be the last time I see her. Her instagram feed is like a retrospective on the good times she has had with family and friends.

I get a bit "ragey" with one thing or another, as I always have. Having a good hard look of bubs while he is sleeping or playing fixes that. I still go to crossfit, and am nearly back to pre-pregnancy strength; the cardio will take a bit longer I fear! Life is good. I am mindful and grateful. Every day.

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